Why Self-Help Fails
Millions try help self-help yearly but most often find that they are unable to permanently change. Why?
Have you ever tried self-help?
You are not alone; millions have. I have, too, throughout my life. We all want to improve our lives and find meaning.
Self-help does work, but often, it is not permanent.
I am in my fifties and have followed and tried a lot of self-help that I read and heard over the years. Even though I did have some success, often, it would not stick with me over a long period of time.
I often wondered why I couldn’t find a permanent fix for my problems.
Why does all the self-help advice often fail at making permanent change?
Self-help fails because it doesn’t address the narratives of what we really believe about ourselves at a core level.
Peter Crone says that self-help does not address the “I.” The I is our ego. Our ego is made up of all the stories of who we believe we are.
He says our ego fights to be “right.” If we believe that our circumstances are preventing us from going forward, then we will do things to prove to ourselves that we are right about our beliefs.
We all have deep narratives tied to our core identity, often at the subconscious level.
If you have the narrative that you don’t deserve a good life at your core level, then all the things you do to try to create the life you want will end up in self-sabotage.
If you have the narrative deep down that you are not good enough, over time, you can continually work to improve yourself, but it will not stick, and you will give up and give in to the bad habits keeping you from moving forward.
If you have the narrative that life is not fair, then you will never find the long-lasting motivation to make permanent change.
If you really want to change, find those narratives that were created in your past and understand what messages they created that you are still carrying and affecting your behavior.
These narratives were created in the past and are no longer valid today. If you can find them and, as Peter Crone says, “dissolve them,” you will lift a heavy burden off your being and will be able to find freedom and happiness.
After you have done this, then self-help becomes more effective and permanent.
A Personal Example
I was adopted when I was around 2 years old. In addition to being adopted, I was half Japanese and looked much more Asian when I was younger, so I was bullied for being different.
Even though I grew up with a good family in my new environment, I developed several very deep narratives tied to my situation.
One narrative was that the world was unfair.
I was jealous of people who seemed to have it all. I felt frustrated when things went bad, and I would feel deep down that the universe wasn’t fair.
I’ve always tried to carry a positive attitude, so for me to find this deep narrative was surprising. I discovered that this narrative would cause me to back away from things when I hit roadblocks, because I just “believed” that the world was not fair for me.
Another narrative was that I was not good enough or that something was wrong with me.
This narrative would cause me to procrastinate and to fall into habits that helped me cope with the world. I would waste time on anything but the one thing that would move me forward.
Another deep narrative is that I wanted people to respect, appreciate, and love me. This caused me to behave in ways to not try and rock the boat, and I would find myself triggered by those who did not care about what others thought.
The biggest problem was that it caused me to always delay on putting myself fully out there.
None of these narratives were true, but I had created and tied them to my being. I hadn’t even recognized that I was still holding on to these beliefs deep inside. When I did some deep introspection, I discovered and came to terms with each of these narratives and more.
As Peter says, by discovering these beliefs we have about ourselves, it helps them to “dissolve.” Once I discovered how these narratives were causing me to behave, I was able to look at those narratives and realize that they were no longer valid anymore.
This lifted a huge, invisible weight off my body. Things suddenly became easier to implement and do.
If you want to change your life, find those deep narratives that make up the core of who you are.
One of the easiest ways to do this is to look at what triggers you.
Inspect the trigger and see where it first started in your past.
For example, if you get triggered by someone criticizing you, especially when it is deserving, look deep inside and see where you first hated being criticized.
Does it still apply to your situation today? Is there really anything wrong with you?
Often, we hate being criticized because we have a deep narrative that we are not good enough. Maybe a teacher, a parent, some friends said that we were not good enough at something.
Even many years later, if you carry the narrative of not being good enough, any criticism will bring back those old emotions causing you to be triggered.
Validate the narrative. Is it really true that you are not good enough? If you really understand that there is nothing wrong with you (we are all human), then the story will no longer hold validity.
Further Exploration
I have touched on the basics here, but I will write more in-depth about how to do this and more in this Substack. If you are looking for permanent change, please follow me and ask me questions. I will answer your questions and write more in-depth articles on how to improve your mindset.